


Reconnaisance

by SarcasticDragon



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Living in Newt Scamander's Suitcase, Movie 1: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Spoilers, Multi, Oblivious Newt, Other, Stuck Inside During COVID-19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticDragon/pseuds/SarcasticDragon
Summary: How did Newt's creatures handle Newt's fateful trip to New York?  Think "Secret Life of Pets," with Newt's Fantastic Beasts.
Relationships: Newt Scamander - Relationship, Tina Goldstein/Newt Scamander
Kudos: 29





	1. Staff Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine isn’t fun. Well, for me it is; I’m a hermit by nature. But I understand how depressing it is for others. We all need a laugh, and I hope this little tale gives you a few. Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Newt's ship nears New York, the creatures have a staff meeting.

Newt cleaned the bucket with a flick of his wand and set it back in its place on the floor of his shed. The nightly feedings were complete, and he stretched languorously, feeling his vertebrae pop. He grunted in pleasure and headed up the ladder, wondering idly whether or not he should stay down here tonight; the seas were rough, and although his stateroom bunk was more comfortable than his cot in the shed, the pitch and yaw were not as noticeable inside his case. He shrugged and continued up the ladder. He would be in New York tomorrow, and unfamiliar territory required a full night’s sleep, so the comfy bunk won out. The lid closed and all was quiet in the magical case expanse.

Not for long, though.

A drawer at the desk opened on its own, and a book of matches rose into the air. With a scratch and a quick puff of sulfur, the match lit the wick of a candle on the edge of the desk, and the candle floated out of the shed and down a well-beaten path toward a well-kept fenced area with a small, red-painted wooden barn. A flower pot was tied with thin jute on the top post, filled with tufts of peppermint. A wooden sign, tied with the same jute to the fence gate, said “Knock before entering – Easily startled.”

The candlestick stopped and its holder slowly came into view – Dougal the Demiguise. Dougal knocked three times on the sign and waited. There was a low, sleepy snort, and from the barn a majestic-looking Leucrotta emerged, its two sets of eyes blinking in the light of the candle.

“Dougal,” the Leucrotta greeted in a cultured English voice.

“Sorry to wake ye, sir,” the Demiguise replied. “The Master’s gone abed, and ye wanted a staff meeting this evenin’.”

“Ah, of course.” The Leucrotta shook its massive head and yawned, showing a considerable amount of teeth in its huge mouth. “I forgot, thank you for reminding me. Fell asleep...the meal was remarkably good tonight.” He ambled slowly toward the pot of peppermint. “Forgot to brush,” he added as he took a mouthful. “Get the others, Dougal.”

“Aye, sir.” The Demiguise scrambled away.

In the next quarter hour, a bevy of beasts were gathered in front of the Leucrotta’s enclosure. Some had been asleep; others had been preparing for the night. The Occamies were serenading everyone with a harmonious version of “Ain’t She Sweet,” and the older Mooncalves were performing a synchronized dance that included a lot of head bobs and lunges. There was a smattering of applause as the Occamies finished their number, and the Leucrotta nodded at Dougal. The Demiguise shook a stuffed bird on a stick, and its harmonious jingle got everyone’s attention.

“I’m sorry to keep you all from your rest,” the large beast informed the throng. “This won’t take long.”

“What’s up, Lou?” the male Graphorn asked.

“Just a quick status report, Clyde,” Lou the Leucrotta replied. “As most of you know, the Master is heading to America, to a large city called New York. Private Pickett has remained on reconnaissance in the Master’s pocket and has informed Titus, Finn, Poppy, Marlow, and Tom via his Bowtruckle wireless network that the Master plans on picking up an Appaloosa Puffskein.” The crowd of creatures murmured excitedly to each other. “We all must be sure to welcome the newcomer and make him or her feel at home here in the Master’s Case. I also understand from Dougal that the Master’s notes indicate Puffskeins like to eat a lot, so rations will have to be shared. I know,” he raised his voice at some protests in the back, “but Puffskeins are a lot smaller than you, Reba, we’ll have to be patient.”

Reba the Fwooper ruffled her bright pink feathers impatiently. “Honestly, Lou, food’s scarce enough as it is.”

“That’s because the Master hasn’t had time to resupply, Reba,” Ethel the Erumpent scolded. “He only just left Equatorial Guinea a few days ago. I’m sure he will get more foodstuffs in New York.”

“Just a few days ago you were grumbling about _your_ supply,” the Fwooper snapped. “We know you had a grand romp on the savannah, Ethel, but you don’t need to rub it in our faces.”

“What has _that_ got to do with anything?”

“I’m sure your fella there showed you a _real_ nice time, didn’t he, along with dinner afterward –”

“For crying out loud, Reba, did you have to go there?”

“All right, that’s enough!” Lou bellowed, and the enclosure rattled. The group looked up anxiously, waiting to see if the sound had awakened the Master. When it appeared the coast was clear, Lou glared at the Fwooper gravely. “Reba, do you want to be the one to tell our newcomer that he or she can’t have something to eat?” Reba looked away, looking uncomfortable. “There is enough for all, Saint Francis tells us. It is the Code. We share with those less fortunate, and especially with one who is new and homeless. Remember when you were new and homeless, Reba?”

The Fwooper ducked her head, ashamed. “Oh, of course I do, Lou. We all do. I’ll be happy to share some of my spiders.” A cacophony of agreements arose as the different creatures started offering to share their food, and Dougal was forced to fiercely jingle the cat toy for a long spell until order was restored.

“I don’t think Puffskeins like brains, Lou,” a nasally voice called from the shed.

“No brains, Swoop,” Lou called back. “Pretty sure Puffskeins don’t eat brains, you don’t need to ante up. Right, then, that’s that off the list. How about a weather report?” He looked up. “I take it from your singing that it’s to be lousy for the next few hours, Maisri?” This was directed at a ragged-looking Augurey in a nearby tree, who had been warbling “I Belong to Glasgow” in a sad kind of way.

“ _If your money you spend, you’ve nothing to lend_ – Oh, sorry, sorry, Lou! Ah, yes – it’s been bucketing down for a while now, and reports indicate some thunderstorms ahead, so it’s going to be a mite choppy. It’ll be gone by morning, though.” She bobbed her head. “Mmm-hm. Smooth sailing into the States.” She continued singing. “ _Isn’t that all the better for youuuuu…_ ” The Occamies trilled in the background, providing harmony, and the Mooncalves swayed dreamily.

“I think that’ll do us for tonight,” Lou said. “The ship is due to dock at 8 o’clock sharp. Good night, all.”

***

Nick the Niffler was never one to wait around or follow rules. His ears had perked up when he’d heard the Master was heading to a city in America…a city, much better than huge expanses of grass. Cities had shiny things. He couldn’t wait to see what he could find. Of course, the Master wasn’t going to let him out to explore, but Nick wasn’t stupid. Nick had skills.

He’d been picking the lock at the top of the Master’s ladder for weeks now, figuring out the weaknesses in the latching gears. So far he was able to pop one of the latches with a well-aimed poke of an unfolded paper clip. The Master always clicked it back in place, but Nick knew his Master wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, so to speak, and there was bound to be an unguarded moment when he walked the streets of the city…

He shared his intent with a couple of his close friends, knowing they’d want to join him. Dougal, torn between intense curiosity and loyalty to the Master…Ethel, who had always wanted to see the zoo where her cousin lived…Carl, the lead singer of the Occamies, who knew New York was the best place to find an agent…William the Billywig, who wanted to fly to the top of the Empire State Building.

The next morning, Nick showed just how awesome his skills had become when a lucky poke completely ruined the locking mechanism on the case, and one by one, a handful of the Master’s beasts headed out to see New York.

***

“Sir? Sir. _LOU!_ ”

The squeak became a piercing shout in the Leucrotta’s ear, and his eyes popped open to see Marlow the Bowtruckle standing on his nose. His eyes crossed at an attempt to bring the small green creature into focus.

“Report, Marlow,” he ordered crisply.

“Pickett just sent us some news, sir. Five creatures have escaped the Case and are now loose in New York. Worse than that, the Master’s been arrested.”


	2. Lockdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The creatures try to make sense of what's going on with their Master outside the case.

The Case was in chaos. 

Everyone was gathered around the Bowtruckle Tree, watching as Poppy listened hard to the odd bundle of sticks and leaves that made up the wireless spy radio. Two tiny mushrooms served as a headset, and she hunched as she tried to listen to Pickett on the other end.

“Everyone calm down, please!” Lou shouted over the throng, and Maisri shook the Master’s jingly cat toy so much that the stick broke in her beak. She threw an apologetic look at the Leucrotta and flew quickly into the shed to fix it. By the time she returned, the stick repaired with Spellotape, the creatures had quieted.

“Now,” Lou stated, “before anything else, be aware that the Master is all right, he is under custody by the Magical Congress of the United States. He has been taken to her home for surveillance and our case is in his hands.”

“Wait,” Reba interrupted. “Did you say ‘her?’ ‘Her’ home?”

Leo looked at Marlow, who nodded. “Pickett reports that the Master is in the home of one Porpentina Goldstein, MACUSA Auror, along with her sister Queenie, and a Muggle named Jacob Kowalski. They are being fed. Pickett says everything looks delicious, but the Master is more interested in coming to us than eating and –”

“He’s with a GIRL!” Delilah the Diricawl shouted gleefully, and a handful of the creatures cheered. Delilah’s babies popped in and out of existence in excitement, snapping like a sheet of bubble wrap.

“Now, wait –” Lou tried to interrupt, but the others weren’t having it.

“A mate, at last,” Reba sighed. “He’s been so lonely.”

“I wonder what his cubs will be like,” gushed Bibbity, one of the Mooncalves. Her sisters, Bobbity and Boo, sighed in romantic unison, while their brother, Chuck, giggled like a moron.

“I’ll bet she’s beautiful,” Bobbity sighed.

“Everyone,” Lou protested, “can we just wait a minute –”

“I can’t wait to see if she dances as well as he,” Boo cooed, twirling with Chuck, who belched loudly and snickered.

“She could be like Leta,” the Murtlap muttered. “I don’t like it. Don’t like it at all. Might bite her.”

“Oh, Matt, don’t be such a wet blanket,” trilled Delilah. “Oh, good gracious, I’m all a-flutter. Would anyone like a spot of moss-water, I just made a fresh pot, this deserves a toast!”

“Look,” Lou protested, “please, can we –”

“I could go find out,” said McDuff the Kelpie. “Send me, Lou, I can be there and back in two flicks of a lamb’s tail. As you all know, my record ain’t been broken since the ’12 Games in Stockholm, and I can –”

“Galloping gargoyles, don’t start on your Olympic run again, McDuff,” Matt grumbled. “Nobody gives a rat’s –”

“Say that again, ye albino spiked possum, and I’ll –”

“Gentlemen –”

“EVERYONE SHUT IT!” roared the Nundu, shaking the ground with the force of his roar, and the creatures fell silent, some muttering in exasperation.

“Goodness, Nigel, there’s no need to screech like that,” Reba tutted. “Just look at the mess you caused.”

Lou sighed. “Okay, okay, thank you, Nigel, Reba. Custodian Bob, if you, er, wouldn’t mind…cleanup in the Mooncalf aisle.” In the background, one of the dung beetles motioned to his team and they started rolling up the Mooncalf’s leavings. “Now,” Lou continued, “let’s let the Master’s prospects of a mate trail for a moment, hm? We all know how he is, he’s always been nervous about the females.”

“That’s true,” Reba sighed. “He’s so awkward, poor thing.”

“He’ll botch it,” Matt grumbled. “Can’t string two sentences together.”

“Aye, like ye’re a professional,” McDuff growled.

“That’s enough,” Lou demanded. “Poppy, what’s the latest on the locations of the escapees?” The little Bowtruckle pushed the mushrooms against her head, listening, while her brother Marlow worked some of the seeds on the dash. There was tension in the air as the others waited, watching Marlow and Poppy discuss their findings. Finally Tom beckoned to Maisri, who took in the information, and the Augury turned to Lou.

“The tags are working and all are accounted for,” she replied. “Ethel is visiting her cousin Henrietta in Central Park. Will is out at the Statue of Liberty. Nick’s in a jewelry shop on Fifth Avenue, and Dougal and Carl are shopping at Macy’s.”

“Shopping for what?” Reba huffed. “And with what?”

“Never mind that, now.” Lou stamped a hoof. “Now, Dougal – oh, litterboxes, he's not here - Swoop, where are you?”

“Here, Lou,” said the Swooping Evil, head popping out of his cocoon.

“Make sure you tell the Master what’s going on when he comes down to bring us dinner. Is there any of the Erumpet musk left?”

“I think I saw only one in there.”

“Good, make sure you leave it on the desk, he’ll never find it…there was some organization last week, but –”

“That was Nick’s fault. Bottle had a gold top.”

“Well, as Nick is one of the missing – and I’ll bet a bucket of pellets that he’s the one that instigated this escape – he won’t be here to interfere. Make sure the Master sees it.”

“Right.” Swoop was already heading toward the shed. “Anything else we need?”

“Let me think.” Lou scraped his antlers against the nearest tree, and a bevy of leaves floated down around him. “If he’s using the musk, he’ll need some protection. Do you know where the Master put the catcher’s equipment?”

“It’s already on his desk. He’ll grab it when he sees the musk.”

“Okay, good. We’re set, then. Let’s just wait for him to show up and we’ll get more information then. Everyone, return to your enclosures, please.”

“Say, Lou.” The Swooping Evil turned back, flapped up, and perched himself on the Leucrotta’s fence. “Requesting a pass to head out with the Master. Got a feeling he’s gonna want to take me along. Besides…” He pressed his belly with one of his talons, and Lou watched as bright-blue liquid seeped between the scales. “The Master’s gonna want to milk all this venom when he comes down. I’m nearly dripping.”

“Granted,” Lou replied. “Go hang out in the shed. Don’t drop any of your juices on my peppermints.”


	3. Repercussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lou the Leucrotta lays down the law on the escapees.

“I really liked Jacob,” Bibbity sighed later, twirling. “He smelled like cookies. I love cookies.”

“And he seemed to like us too,” Bobbity agreed. “He didn’t find us weird at all.” Beside her, Chuck belched and drooled a bit, and Bobbity shook her head. “Well, not all of us.”

“The Master seemed to like him too,” Boo pointed out. “I haven’t seen him that animated in a long time.”

“So not only does he have a girl, he’s got a new friend who likes us too,” Reba said happily, popping in and out of existence. “This is so exciting for the Master.”

“He’ll muck it up,” the Murtlap muttered from his kennel. “You watch.”

“Matt,” Reba sighed, “please go to bed.”

“Incoming!” Marlow squeaked from the Bowtruckle Tree, while Poppy twirled the knobs frantically on the wireless. “Lou, they’ve found Ethel, she’ll be coming in in – oh!” There was a loud crash and animals scattered in every direction, shouting in alarm, as the huge body of Ethel the Erumpet burst into view, her feet scrabbling for traction.

“Easy, Ethel, easy!” Lou roared, stamping his hooves. “Watch where you’re going, now, you could have seriously hurt yourself, let alone the others!”

“Oh!” Ethel gasped, rising to her feet unsteadily. “I’m so sorry, Lou. Nick, are you all right?” This was directed at her left buttock, under which two webbed feet were waving frantically. “Oops, sorry!” She raised her rump and the gasping Niffler struggled free.

“Crikey, Ethel, are ye trying to kill me?”

“So sorry, Nick, I’m still a little befuddled…Lou, can I have some of your peppermints, I need to, um,” she leaned in and whispered, “clear my sinuses, you know?”

Lou nodded in understanding. “Of course, dear, help yourself. Nick, do you have anything to say?”

The Niffler sniffed and dusted his sleek black body off with his paws. “Didn’t know this was a bleedin’ recon mission, Lou. I was just mindin’ me own business when the Master and that chubby chap threw me in here. Weren’t doin’ nothin’.”

“In other words, you snuck out of the case and were trying to steal shinies in New York. Swoop was able to ascertain that you picked the lock on the case.”

Nick looked at the ground. “Bleedin’ flapper.”

The Leucrotta sighed and struck the ground with his front hoof. “You know the Master’s rules about breakouts, Nick, and furthermore, you let out some of the others and caused real havoc in this city. This is an infringement of –”

“Oh, Lou, I just wanted to see Henrietta’s new baby,” Ethel pleaded. “I don’t see where that counts as a breakout.”

“ _You can’t go visiting when you’re in heat, Ethel_ ,” Lou stated baldly. “You know that.” All around him, female creatures gasped in horror. Delilah put her wingtips over the ears of one of her chicks, who promptly disappeared with a pop.

The Erumpet blushed furiously and ducked her head. “Archimedes’ droppings, Lou, was that really necessary?”

“I’m sorry to embarrass you, dear, but this was an infringement on Paragraph 19.j of the Code of Case Regulation. No one leaves the confines of the Master’s case while in estrus. I’m afraid I’m going to have to hold you responsible for that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ethel grumbled. “I’ll pay the fine, just don’t – honestly, you don’t need to be so blunt –”

“So that will be one sheaf of grain paid out of your next supplement, and you will quarantine within your element for one month. Now, Nick, for breaking and escaping, that’s –”

“Now look, Lou, you know I need to hunt for shiny things –”

“You need to learn some control, Nicholas! The Master has even called you a pilfering pest!”

“Yeah, but he’s –”

“No, enough. You broke the latch and you wreaked havoc on foreign soil. You will contribute one English pound and one American quarter.” The Niffler stared, outraged, beak opening and closing soundlessly. Lou chuffed in exasperation. “For Saint Francis’s sake, Nick, that’s pretty lenient, considering…One of each, and I will consider your fine paid.”

“Ridiculous,” Nick muttered, but stomped off toward his lair. Lou grunted in satisfaction and turned to Marlow, who had returned to the fence post. “Any word on Dougal, Carl, or Will?”

“Close call with Pickett, sir,” Marlow reported. “He almost got stolen by a Goblin in a speakeasy.” There was a rumble of consternation throughout the case. “He’s okay,” Marlow assured quickly, “the Master was trying to get some information about the others. They’re on the way to Macy’s right now to get them. Should be back soon, with the Master and his friends working the problem.”

“Is Jacob with them?” the Erumpet asked. “He’s such a wonderful Human, he’ll –”

“Ethel,” Lou warned, and Ethel cleared her throat. She buried her nose in Lou’s peppermint bag, her cheeks pink.

“Tell Poppy to monitor Macy’s,” Lou told Marlow. “There’s sure to be a red flag with Carl’s choranaptixity.”

“Oh, sweet Purina,” Reba moaned, “he’ll destroy the place!”

“Not if the Master finds him first,” Lou reassured. “He knows how to handle it. Go on, Marlow, keep us posted.”

“Aye, sir.” The little Bowtruckle saluted and scampered across the fence toward his tree. Lou sighed and yawned loudly. He hadn’t slept well in the past few days.

“You know,” said a laconic voice from above his head, “I don’t like this, Lou. There’s trouble brewin’.”

Lou tilted his head back to look up at the high perch of the majestic Thunderbird above his head. “Now, Frank, you know the Master’ll get the others back. At least we know where they are, and the Master knows where they are, and he has help. They’ll be back in no time.”

Frank shook his magnificent head, feathers shimmering gently. “No. That’s not what I mean.” He shifted on his perch. “It’s a good thing he took Swoop with him.” He spread his huge wings, stretching them wide, and a faraway peal of thunder rumbled throughout his enclosure. Behind Lou, Maisri sighed in admiration and started to sing very softly as the first raindrops began to fall around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is "choranaptixity" the noun version of "choranaptixic?" Well, it is now! Sweet Purina!


	4. Case Closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's back, Newt and Tina have said goodbye, and the meeting comes to an end.

Dougal plopped a large bag of peppermints into Lou’s bucket, looking despondent. “Will this pay my fee for my abscondence?”

Lou, torn between a mad desire to laugh and the desire to uphold the law, finally nodded. “Fee paid in full, along with a warning, Dougal."

"Those were Macy's mints," Dougal grumbled. "Last bag, too, sir. Christmas shoppers have cleaned them out, I was lucky." 

"Well, I’m sure the Master has some more for you somewhere."

"'Taint Macy's, sir."

"All _right_ , Dougal. Follow the rules next time, eh? Now, Carl –”

“I’ve talked to the others,” Carl interrupted. “We’re offering up all of our eggshells for the Master to give to his friend for that bank thingy he needed. An added bonus will be no pecking the Master’s hands for a month.”

“Well,” Lou replied, looking taken aback, “well – all right, that will do.”

“Plus, I liked his girl,” Carl admitted with a grin. “She has nice hands. I might like getting petted, after all.” Behind him, Delilah let out a squawk and slapped her wingtips over her chick’s ears again.

“That’ll do, I said, Carl. Now, the last order of business are the losses of two of our passengers.” Lou cleared his throat. “Let’s all have a moment of silence for William the Billywig, who did manage to make it to the top of the Empire State Building, but was unfortunately eaten by a rather large bat.”

“Oh, goodness,” said Reba faintly. “The poor thing.” All around, heads bowed quietly, except for Matt, who snickered at the thought of a Billywig sting lodged in the throat of a bat.

“And of course, let us honor Frank,” Lou continued, “the hero of the hour, who knew last night of the coming danger and risked us all to keep the peace between Muggle and Wizards. Frank knew what he had to do, and he met the challenge with bravery and loyalty.”

Behind him, Maisri sniffed and wiped her eyes with her wingtip. Reba flitted over beside her and nuzzled her affectionately. “Now, Maisri, you know Frank is a hero, and he’s not dead, dear. He was going to Arizona anyhow, he just went sooner than later.”

“Oh, I know,” Maisri snuffled, “I’ll just miss his – his um –”

“Imposing wingspan?” Reba offered.

“Exactly!”

“And how about that perfect, strong breast?” Reba continued, “and those lovely golden eyes –”

“Oh, my, yes!”

“Ladies –”

“Oh, and his voice,” Delilah mused, holding her wings together in rapture, “did you ever hear such a voice? He loved to sing old country-western songs.”

“Yes, his stock of Hank Snow was amazing!”

“Ladies –”

“Hey Lou? I was just wondering about that puffskein? Did the Master ever get it?”

“Oh, no, didn’t you hear his girl, they stopped trading in –”

“BE QUIET!” Nigel roared, and all of the lady birds jumped in fright, leaving quite a mess in their wake. Everyone around them was liberally splattered, with Matt getting the worst of it.

“Oh,” Delilah whispered, “oh, dear, Matt, everyone, we’re so – um –”

Lou stamped his front feet. “That’s it,” he muttered, “that’s IT. I’m done. This meeting is adjourned! We have a week’s sailing ahead of us, and the Master has fixed the locks on the case. Custodian Bob, clean up please – and I’m going to bed. Nobody wake me up for anything other than a sinking. I mean it.” He turned and stomped back into his enclosure, turning the “Knock Before Entering” sign around to “Do Not Disturb” before disappearing inside his wooden barn.

“Well, he’s in a wee bit of a snit,” Clyde observed.

“It’s been a long week for him,” his mate soothed. “He’s had a lot of pressure. Jason, don’t play with your dinner, eat it.”

“Aw, Ma –”

“This isn't Puddlemere United, child. There are starving Dragonets in China who would love to have that zebra haunch. Now settle down and eat or you’ll go to your enclosure hungry.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The young Graphorn picked up the battered chunk of meat and hurried off to eat it in peace. His parents sauntered after him.

Delilah, Maisri, and Reba waddled in unison past poor Matt, who was being scrubbed by Custodian Bob with an old toilet brush. The Murtlap grumbled something in their direction as the large dung beetle rolled him on his belly and started cleaning between his quills.

“So sorry, Matt,” Delilah called. In a softer voice, she asked, “Do you think the Master will marry the Goldstein girl?”

Maisri sighed. “I think he will. He needs adventure. And love.”

“As do we all,” Reba said. “As do we all. Only time will tell.” 

They waddled on into the increasing darkness.


End file.
